Trick Zapia looked up as they entered. Cat met his eyes, thinking, Yes, he’s definitely the cutest boy in ninth grade, and maybe in school. looked away without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed.
Capital L for "Looked away..." or "Cat looked away..."
Lessez les bon temps roulez.
"Laissez les bons temps rouler!" is the proper spelling (..though granted, this expression is of Cajun extract and not an expression most Francophones would get, so I won't quibble about sentence structure.)
Have to pause in my reading now, so posting these comments now. =) I'll keep reading and commenting later!
Bloody hell. It lets me post from Internet Exploder, but not FireFox.
*grumble*growl*
(OK, fourth try at this..)
In chapter one:
Beauty must skip generations, Cat thought, remembering the painting of her mother in her bedroom. Then she thought, So I’m fea. At least I get the awesomest costumes.
What is "fea"?? I bounced out of the story at that.
Chapter two:
Close mouth, knee perv, run. I wish he wasn’t handsome. said, “Who are you?”
glinda, if it's easier to leave comments on my LJ than blogger, feel free. That blogger has trouble with Firefox is just wrong.
"Fea" is "ugly." The TV show, Ugly Betty, is based on a telenovela called "Yo soy Betty, la fea." I'll probably change that to something in English.
I just added this ETA to the top of the file: Based on the first comments, one of my fears is correct. In a number of places, the first words after italicized sections have been lost. This is a weird artifact of moving the file between several word processors—I won't name them, 'cause I don't know which one is to blame.
Be sure to let me know how you'd like to be acknowledged. (If you want to use a real name or a different handle and you're being pseudonymous here, you could email me.)
Gosh, I had a lot to do this evening, but I got sucked into this and sat here until I finished reading the whole thing. It made me cry! (I didn't see any typos or awkward parts. It was a little slow in the beginning, but I think that was me getting used to Cat's POV, because once I got used to it, everything was fine.)
"Cat met his eyes, thinking, Yes, he’s definitely the cutest boy in ninth grade, and maybe in school. looked away without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed."
Using a quote or italicizing a thought, then ending it with a period before continuing without capitalizing seems to be repeated in many places, so I don't know if it's a typo or just your preferred way of handling that. It seems a bit distracting to me, but I'm not a grammar queen, so it may not be wrong. Thought I'd point it out though, since this was the first place I see it. :)
"The boy added, “I’ve been a ninth-grade loser. Being a tenth-grade loser is not as wonderful as I expected. But I’m sure that when I’m an eleventh-grade loser, that be wonderful.” He smiled, and Cat thought, Paranoid much, Cat Medianoche. The innocent until proven guilty, right?"
Another where I'm not sure it's a typo so much as a style choice. However, in for a penny of nitpicking, in for a pound, right? This sentence from Illya seems very well crafted, as do his later ones, so "that be wonderful" sounded wrong to my ears. I notice the "the" usage seems to be a teen-talk trick, which totally works ~grin~, but in this case, coming so soon after "that be wonderful" it caused me to have to stop and re-read twice. That may just be me, but I thought I'd point out the awkwardness of these two particular English-that-is-not-proper-English moments coming so close together.
"What I should do, thought, is start on my homework. Everything else can wait."
What I should do, [?] thought....
"Should she be watching for the return of the person In the Donald Duck mask?"
Don't think "In" should be capitalized here.
"She caught herself in time to keep from saying, And Cousin Baldomero. secret should stay a secret."
This was another of the quote, then punctuation, then continue without capitalization. This one in particular stood out to me because the choice ended up confusing me. I think in this case, not just because of the method of indicating thought, but because of the awkward feel of "secret should stay a secret". Perhaps "a secret should stay a secret"?
"The faint sound of padded feet running on asphalt came from the street."
Double space between "on" and "asphalt"
"It’s not tomato juice. It’s something night people love. Would strawberry juice look and smell like that?She said, “Is this like an initiation? I get bread and water while you get the good stuff?”"
Missing a space between "smell like that?" and "She said"
Half way through! I'll comment again if I spot more. (Great story so far, btw. It has actually managed to pull me in, which is unusual in "I'm a special teen" stories) :D
As always when dealing with a critique from my hand, take what you like, toss the rest out the window. (I know you know that, but I include that statement any time I comment in such ways on people's writings. :)
meallanmouse and glinda, I've tentatively addressed what you caught for the sake of future readers. I think I'll continue to update the file as comments come in.
jenstclair, good to know! I'll take another look at the first chapters tomorrow, I think.
I'm very glad it made you cry. (I don't think that's a spoiler, since you didn't say where.)
Okay, I don't know when this is set, but I think "junior high" is fast becoming archaic. There seem to be mostly middle schools these days -- grades six through eight -- and high schools, grades nine through twelve. You can also get K-8 schools.
I suppose this could be geographical, and junior high is not really current in Minnesota but still is in Tucson.
Most of the things I noticed have already been pointed out, but one thing I did notice is that the first time you used "My Terror" and "My Miracle," you capitalized them like that, but didn't do so on subsequent uses, nor did you capitalize similar nicknames like "my fury" and "my fierce heart". You may wish to regularize that.
Also, I spotted an Oxford Comma. I don't know how you feel about them, but I thought I'd mention it, since they're hotly debated in some quarters:
The smells of perfume, deodorant, and air freshener grew stronger, too.
And, finally:
“What I would say are words I’m not supposed to call—”
OK, above and beyond just proofing here, but the phrasing here sounds a little awkward to me. "[W]ords I'm not supposed to call [anyone]" just doesn't sound right to me. "Names" instead, maybe? Dunno, ignore me if you like, of course. Just a comment.
Just one thing that may help with making some words clearer (in a way) for others: can you italicize words in a language other than English? That way, people can automatically assume other language and absord/read on that way, rather than trip over those words and lose the suspension of disbelief while reading. =)
Oh, and I realized in the shower this morning: a kid born in the fall wouldn't be turning 14 in 9th grade unless she'd skipped a grade somewhere, she'd be turning 15. If she turns 14 in 9th grade, she'll be 17 when she graduates.
It says "On three,peeked around", and I think that's one of the word-missing-following-italics things. Also, there's no space between the comma and peeked.
glad2dance I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's uncommon, and there's usually some reason for it, and Will can either put in a reason, or change it, or leave it and realize that some folks are going to go, "Hey, what's up with that?"
In Chapter 1, when Granny Lupe first speaks she says "Always know how exactly how dangerous something is." Maybe the "how exactly how" part should have commas, making it "how, exactly how,". (When I first read it, it seemed like there was an extra "how" in there that shouldn't have been there unless that's just how Granny Lupe speaks.)
The quotation mark issue also affects "'Scuse". And the word-missing-after-italics issue affects the second paragraph of chapter three. (One way to fix that paragraph would be to change "thought" to "she thought".)
Would a thought in regards to character dynamics at the end be welcome (in a take it or leave it as you wish sort of way)? Or would you prefer just typo/missing words spotting and leaving it at that?
Cool beans. And, as I said before - take it or leave it, as you prefer. =)
In terms of social dynamics, we start off with Tarika being interested in Ilya. The second he is reported to snub Cat, Tarika chooses loyalty to her friend and refuses to keep considering him as interesting.
I liked that. It showed the strength of the bonds between the girls. It serves well to highlight Tarika's loyalty.
Then near the end, with Cat being the special vampire girl to bring everyone together - Ilya starts making googoo eyes at Cat. And never once, not once, do we see any kind of balancing out of their friendship - on the "romance" level - for Cat and Tarika. And I don't know about anyone else, but for me that 1) makes the end of the book fall flat for me in where it sets Tarika 2) kinda nudges Cat into "center of the world is me" Sue land and 3) does a lot towards removing a lot of the interesting character dynamics and balances you had set between the girls that I really liked.
This stood out quite strongly to me and again, personal opinion and all, but it served to make the ending very flat for me. Some would call it a detail, but I got really invested in the Tarika and Cat dynamic - it was a big part of the story for me.
But with a deadline tomorrow? Yeaaah. I can see where there's little time to even think of addressing that sort of thing.
meallanmouse, good point. I'd been thinking about addressing that in the sequel, but since I have a history of never getting to sequels (Chimera, Witch Blood, etc. -- Cats Have No Lord got a prequel, but I meant to do sequels), I should see if I can come up with a little something to deal with that toward the end. Hmm. I think I know where to give it a try.
The professor was still quiet, and his face was still grim, but when Olujimi laughed, Professor M would rock back in his chair slightly and nod as if he was laughing, too.
I suggest removing the comma before the word "too".
Trick Zapia looked up as they entered. Cat met his eyes, thinking, Yes, he’s definitely the cutest boy in ninth grade, and maybe in school. looked away without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteCapital L for "Looked away..." or "Cat looked away..."
Lessez les bon temps roulez.
"Laissez les bons temps rouler!" is the proper spelling (..though granted, this expression is of Cajun extract and not an expression most Francophones would get, so I won't quibble about sentence structure.)
Have to pause in my reading now, so posting these comments now. =) I'll keep reading and commenting later!
testing...again
ReplyDeleteBloody hell. It lets me post from Internet Exploder, but not FireFox.
ReplyDelete*grumble*growl*
(OK, fourth try at this..)
In chapter one:
Beauty must skip generations, Cat thought, remembering the painting of her mother in her bedroom. Then she thought, So I’m fea. At least I get the awesomest costumes.
What is "fea"?? I bounced out of the story at that.
Chapter two:
Close mouth, knee perv, run. I wish he wasn’t handsome. said, “Who are you?”
should be either "Cat said,..." or "She said..."
meallanmouse and glinda w, thanks!
ReplyDeleteglinda, if it's easier to leave comments on my LJ than blogger, feel free. That blogger has trouble with Firefox is just wrong.
"Fea" is "ugly." The TV show, Ugly Betty, is based on a telenovela called "Yo soy Betty, la fea." I'll probably change that to something in English.
I just added this ETA to the top of the file: Based on the first comments, one of my fears is correct. In a number of places, the first words after italicized sections have been lost. This is a weird artifact of moving the file between several word processors—I won't name them, 'cause I don't know which one is to blame.
Be sure to let me know how you'd like to be acknowledged. (If you want to use a real name or a different handle and you're being pseudonymous here, you could email me.)
Gosh, I had a lot to do this evening, but I got sucked into this and sat here until I finished reading the whole thing. It made me cry! (I didn't see any typos or awkward parts. It was a little slow in the beginning, but I think that was me getting used to Cat's POV, because once I got used to it, everything was fine.)
ReplyDelete"Cat met his eyes, thinking, Yes, he’s definitely the cutest boy in ninth grade, and maybe in school. looked away without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed."
ReplyDeleteUsing a quote or italicizing a thought, then ending it with a period before continuing without capitalizing seems to be repeated in many places, so I don't know if it's a typo or just your preferred way of handling that. It seems a bit distracting to me, but I'm not a grammar queen, so it may not be wrong. Thought I'd point it out though, since this was the first place I see it. :)
"The boy added, “I’ve been a ninth-grade loser. Being a tenth-grade loser is not as wonderful as I expected. But I’m sure that when I’m an eleventh-grade loser, that be wonderful.” He smiled, and Cat thought, Paranoid much, Cat Medianoche. The innocent until proven guilty, right?"
Another where I'm not sure it's a typo so much as a style choice. However, in for a penny of nitpicking, in for a pound, right? This sentence from Illya seems very well crafted, as do his later ones, so "that be wonderful" sounded wrong to my ears. I notice the "the" usage seems to be a teen-talk trick, which totally works ~grin~, but in this case, coming so soon after "that be wonderful" it caused me to have to stop and re-read twice. That may just be me, but I thought I'd point out the awkwardness of these two particular English-that-is-not-proper-English moments coming so close together.
"What I should do, thought, is start on my homework. Everything else can wait."
What I should do, [?] thought....
"Should she be watching for the return of the person In the Donald Duck mask?"
Don't think "In" should be capitalized here.
"She caught herself in time to keep from saying, And Cousin Baldomero. secret should stay a secret."
This was another of the quote, then punctuation, then continue without capitalization. This one in particular stood out to me because the choice ended up confusing me. I think in this case, not just because of the method of indicating thought, but because of the awkward feel of "secret should stay a secret". Perhaps "a secret should stay a secret"?
"The faint sound of padded feet running on asphalt came from the street."
Double space between "on" and "asphalt"
"It’s not tomato juice. It’s something night people love. Would strawberry juice look and smell like that?She said, “Is this like an initiation? I get bread and water while you get the good stuff?”"
Missing a space between "smell like that?" and "She said"
Half way through! I'll comment again if I spot more. (Great story so far, btw. It has actually managed to pull me in, which is unusual in "I'm a special teen" stories) :D
As always when dealing with a critique from my hand, take what you like, toss the rest out the window. (I know you know that, but I include that statement any time I comment in such ways on people's writings. :)
meallanmouse and glinda, I've tentatively addressed what you caught for the sake of future readers. I think I'll continue to update the file as comments come in.
ReplyDeletejenstclair, good to know! I'll take another look at the first chapters tomorrow, I think.
I'm very glad it made you cry. (I don't think that's a spoiler, since you didn't say where.)
Okay, I don't know when this is set, but I think "junior high" is fast becoming archaic. There seem to be mostly middle schools these days -- grades six through eight -- and high schools, grades nine through twelve. You can also get K-8 schools.
ReplyDeleteI suppose this could be geographical, and junior high is not really current in Minnesota but still is in Tucson.
P.
One more thing:
ReplyDelete"She wore matching blue trousers and and jacket with a white silk blouse"
Double "and" :)
yay! Happy with the story! You get the 'tear up toward the end but end up grinning' accolade! :D
huh, I didn't have any trouble, and I'm posting from firefox. weird.....
ReplyDeleteThanks again for a great story!
Argh. Already lost this comment once.
ReplyDeleteMost of the things I noticed have already been pointed out, but one thing I did notice is that the first time you used "My Terror" and "My Miracle," you capitalized them like that, but didn't do so on subsequent uses, nor did you capitalize similar nicknames like "my fury" and "my fierce heart". You may wish to regularize that.
Also, I spotted an Oxford Comma. I don't know how you feel about them, but I thought I'd mention it, since they're hotly debated in some quarters:
The smells of perfume, deodorant, and air freshener grew stronger, too.
And, finally:
“What I would say are words I’m not supposed to call—”
OK, above and beyond just proofing here, but the phrasing here sounds a little awkward to me. "[W]ords I'm not supposed to call [anyone]" just doesn't sound right to me. "Names" instead, maybe? Dunno, ignore me if you like, of course. Just a comment.
Just one thing that may help with making some words clearer (in a way) for others: can you italicize words in a language other than English? That way, people can automatically assume other language and absord/read on that way, rather than trip over those words and lose the suspension of disbelief while reading. =)
ReplyDeleteTarika grinned. The cool! We can talk in school in separate classrooms!
ReplyDeleteSo we’re good?
We’re best.
Cat smiled. You’re the best.
You're missing italics for thoughts in this section of text - if it's meant to be thoughts too, anyway. (So we're good/we're best.)
Oh, and I realized in the shower this morning: a kid born in the fall wouldn't be turning 14 in 9th grade unless she'd skipped a grade somewhere, she'd be turning 15. If she turns 14 in 9th grade, she'll be 17 when she graduates.
ReplyDeleteI was born in December, and was 17 when I graduated from High School. So it does happen.
ReplyDeleteIt says "On three,peeked around", and I think that's one of the word-missing-following-italics things. Also, there's no space between the comma and peeked.
ReplyDeleteglad2dance I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's uncommon, and there's usually some reason for it, and Will can either put in a reason, or change it, or leave it and realize that some folks are going to go, "Hey, what's up with that?"
ReplyDeleteIn Chapter 1, when Granny Lupe first speaks she says "Always know how exactly how dangerous something is." Maybe the "how exactly how" part should have commas, making it "how, exactly how,". (When I first read it, it seemed like there was an extra "how" in there that shouldn't have been there unless that's just how Granny Lupe speaks.)
ReplyDeleteIn chapter one:
ReplyDeleteHis skin was as dark as Granny Lupe’s, but otherwise, they looked nothing alike.
You might want to consider either inserting a comma before "otherwise" or removing the one after that word.
In chapter two:
ReplyDeleteGrannie Lupe had the de la Sombra eyes.
You might want to change "Grannie" to "Granny" for consistency.
Also:
As his eyes narrowed, she added, “You know, ‘cause of her porphyria. The sunlight.”
The quotation mark before "cause" has come out as a forward quotation mark instead of a backward one.
The quotation mark issue also affects "'Scuse". And the word-missing-after-italics issue affects the second paragraph of chapter three. (One way to fix that paragraph would be to change "thought" to "she thought".)
ReplyDeleteIn chapter three:
ReplyDelete"Why not? You dad's the hot."
I'm wondering whether that should be "Your dad" rather than "You dad".
In the first sentence of chapter four:
ReplyDeletejack o'lantern
One correct spelling is "jack-o'-lantern".
In chapter four:
ReplyDeleteCat wished they could dance forever. How would it be better? If Tanka was there to dance with them? No. If Baldomero was.
Did you mean "could" rather than "would"? (You might also consider using "were" rather than "was".)
In chapter six:
The smell of humans were stronger upstairs.
That should be "The smell ... was stronger ...".
In chapter twelve:
ReplyDelete“Tres chic, Tiger.” He tapped his finger lightly against his chin “Are nighters lactose intolerant?”
There should be a full stop after "chin". (And you might want to add an accent to the 'e' of "Tres".)
In chapter seventeen:
ReplyDeleteIn mid step, he became a raven and beat his wings to fly.
I suspect that there should be a hyphen between "mid" and "step".
Would a thought in regards to character dynamics at the end be welcome (in a take it or leave it as you wish sort of way)? Or would you prefer just typo/missing words spotting and leaving it at that?
ReplyDeleteThank ye
Everyone who's commented recently, thank you! I'll incorporate your suggestions today.
ReplyDeletemeallanmouse, suggestions for minor changes of any sort are welcome. Heck, major suggestions are welcome, too, but they're more likely to be ignored.
Cool beans. And, as I said before - take it or leave it, as you prefer. =)
ReplyDeleteIn terms of social dynamics, we start off with Tarika being interested in Ilya. The second he is reported to snub Cat, Tarika chooses loyalty to her friend and refuses to keep considering him as interesting.
I liked that. It showed the strength of the bonds between the girls. It serves well to highlight Tarika's loyalty.
Then near the end, with Cat being the special vampire girl to bring everyone together - Ilya starts making googoo eyes at Cat. And never once, not once, do we see any kind of balancing out of their friendship - on the "romance" level - for Cat and Tarika. And I don't know about anyone else, but for me that 1) makes the end of the book fall flat for me in where it sets Tarika 2) kinda nudges Cat into "center of the world is me" Sue land and 3) does a lot towards removing a lot of the interesting character dynamics and balances you had set between the girls that I really liked.
This stood out quite strongly to me and again, personal opinion and all, but it served to make the ending very flat for me. Some would call it a detail, but I got really invested in the Tarika and Cat dynamic - it was a big part of the story for me.
But with a deadline tomorrow? Yeaaah. I can see where there's little time to even think of addressing that sort of thing.
meallanmouse, good point. I'd been thinking about addressing that in the sequel, but since I have a history of never getting to sequels (Chimera, Witch Blood, etc. -- Cats Have No Lord got a prequel, but I meant to do sequels), I should see if I can come up with a little something to deal with that toward the end. Hmm. I think I know where to give it a try.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple more instances of the quotation mark issue, both in chapter three:
ReplyDelete"That's 'cause he's got an ego thing about being responsible. I think I was an accident so he feels obliged to pay for it."
And:
"'Cause they were talking about danger. About his arm being strong."
In chapter three:
ReplyDeleteThe professor was still quiet, and his face was still grim, but when Olujimi laughed, Professor M would rock back in his chair slightly and nod as if he was laughing, too.
I suggest removing the comma before the word "too".